The Ramblings of a Mad Man - Part 5ive of THAT'S NOT HOW YOU SPELL FIVE!!!

Cast your minds back.

A couple of weeks ago at most, I published an article stating that people are idiots. I then went on to explain that through lack of general, spiritual & political education, we're all just a bunch of morons firing off doctrine on command. Surely, for those of you who read the article, you're thinking "why are you telling me this? I was there man...". Fair play. The point of me explaining that part again, if you'd just let me speak for one damn minute, was that this article ties in quite nicely with that. So, if you haven't read it, maybe you'd like to before I carry on...

Don't worry, I'll wait...

All done!? Okay, on with it.

I guess like a few people, my friend Danny Quin over at Bar Bar Black Sheep for one, me for two, genuinely consider the term "Netflix & chill" as an invitation to stick the kettle on & slip into PJ's. Casual sex aside, they've got some fairly decent stuff on there. Just this afternoon, I slipped into said lounge wear & stuck on a documentary, aptly named "(DIS)HONESTY, The Truth About Lies"; a subject which interests me greatly. Dan Ariely studies behavioural economics & throughout the film breaks down the individual factors of what drives someone to lie. As it turns out, with great relief, everyone does it! Coincidentally, everyone doing it is precisely one of these, what Dan calls, "Fudge Factors".

Now, think back over your life, over all your experiences & think... "have I ever told a lie?". Of course you have & if your answer was "no", you're probably lying. Sorry!

When I was younger, not much younger than today, i used to bullshit a lot. Now, bullshitting is that special kind of lying that's full of fluffy stuffing & complicated seams, an enigma at first but very easily rationalised to nothing. For instance, I would tell people that my Dad was working away from home or that I'd seen a man get shot, amongst all manner of irrelevant, made-up anecdotes in order to make myself feel like people could find me interesting. The problem being here, my friends spotting me in town with my Dad, two hours after I'd declared he was in Australia, or again, my friends working out that I'd never been to gangland Columbia. When we're young at mind we tend to be drawn by fantasy & fiction, making us feel less interesting or important than the fictional characters portrayed therein; making us feel as if our lives are somehow dull in comparison. Being a compulsive liar & being around quite a few others at school, I've become covertly skilled in spotting irrelevant bullshit; like, calling out your friend who has done everything you've done but bigger & better. There's a tone that's acquired when a person improvises a life event spontaneously, a look in the eye & a failure to stop while they're ahead. I'm often shocked out how many people in their adult lives still manage to follow through with this fantastical act of dishonesty, despite being guilty of it myself at times. I believe the only thing that's reduced my level of bullshit is the amount of genuine experiences I've had over the past few years. Since growing up & getting out into the world, I no longer feel dis-interesting or dull, I revel in retelling my life to anyone that will listen, purely for the looks on their faces when I assure them "Yes, that really happened!". Surprisingly, or rather not so, I'm more than likely to relapse around people I don't know or have very little in common with. I tend to bridge that gap with fluff galore.

I digress...

The documentary follows a series of interviews & experiments in order to illustrate the major factors of behavioural economics, right down to the nitty gritty. Without giving too much away, the film wraps up with the evidence that no one lies unless they feel like they, or someone they care about, have something to gain from it; seems pretty obvious, right? Despite it's apparent obviousness, I admire the revelation. If a person is correctly informed of what they stand to lose by lying, they just don't. The whole point of the film, as I see it, is that people lie to gain but won't if they stand to lose or effect others negatively. Equally, if a person is caught lying in a big way & falls foul of the consequences, it makes them more honest in the future. On top of all that, Dan Ariely expertly makes the case that a million small lies have more negative effect on society than one big juicy lie. I won't explain exactly how but watch the film to find out, I highly recommend it.

Now, I'm not sure about you but I find dishonesty to be a huge proportion of what's wrong with society. We have the media spinning webs, politicians providing misinformation & conspiracists by the truck load. I honestly don't know who or what to believe outside of my own small (but growing) network of friends & colleagues. It all seems like deception in one way or another, whether to meet an agenda or distract us from one. Yet, whatever the reasons, the effect is the same; this.

If we're lucky, those of us who don't follow one of the few mainstream religions have our own breed of moral compass, drilled into us by parents, teachers, employers & the like. We don't have the commandments to guide us in absolute certainty toward our spiritual essence. Instead, we are told "This is right, that is wrong" without a quantified explanation of the circumstances. To devout Christians, straying from God's message leads to eternal damnation & suffering. Simple, no one wants that. Unfortunately, I believe that the atomic & subatomic particles I'm made up of will be recycled when I'm gone, not sent downstairs to be prodded with a flamey stick. My consciousness (if that's what this experience is) will be recycled into free electromagnetic energy, ready for the next batch of bodies to make use of. So, for me, what is hell? It purely doesn't exist. So then, what of the consequences in my negative actions? Frankly, I don't know. Sure, I can surmise that punching someone in the face will result in their pain & likeliness to retaliate by punching me in the face. Any half-trained idiot can work that out. But what of the bigger picture? What of the butterfly effect in the actions I partake? What of the hell I leave behind for others?

As far as I can tell from my dilapidated ivory tower, a successful life follows thusly; Survive the first five years, Go to school & discover a passion, undertake further education & qualify in said passion, get on the career ladder, play the game of life (wife, kids & a family car) & then retire quietly for a few years before the inevitable happens. Trust me, I don't believe for one second that my choice of lifestyle benefits anyone in any great sense; I'm forever in poverty & an imposition to the vast majority of people I come into contact with. To tell the absolute truth, despite me being happy in following my "dream", I'm all too aware of the implications suffered by others for my benefit. This sours the milk, just a tad. Not to say it's all bad; I have found a lot of success in making people happy & enjoying my music with them. That fact will forever make it worth the worry. The thing is, despite sharing my negative experiences of this lifestyle, people are still prone to envy, much in the same way that I envy their stable, contented lives of work & family, with a moderately sustainable income to boot. The trouble being here that I have tried to live in that way many times & each time I'm overwhelmed by the blatant negativity of corporate control. I can see the lives that are affected by capitalism & consumerism, others can't. I believe that it's this lack of quantifiable guidance that has left us corrupted, liars & pretenders all. We honestly don't know any better.

If we were to try to figure out exactly what is wrong with this reality, I believe the place to start is finding out what's right. Much like Dan Ariely attempting to discover what makes liars tell the truth, I'm interested in finding out what makes people lead an honest life in every respect. Dan found that if he took away the gain in lying, or indeed by displaying the wrong in it, he could essentially revert people back to their honest, humble selves. I believe that if we were to make more of an effort to inform each other of the gains & losses served by leading any and all lifestyles, we would all be much happier & a lot less prone to feeling shit about ourselves. Then again, I could be wrong...

In conclusion, I believe we're all a little bit lost in this big wide world of ours & it starts with us to find a happy home. We don't need to be so at odds with life, the universe & everything. We should be enjoying it! Take some time to think about how your lifestyle affects the lives of everyone around you, present & future. Let me know what conclusions you come up with & I may well follow up in a future blog...

Nah, I'm lying!

Absence Makes The Heart Something Something...

Long time no see...

I suppose you'll be wondering "Just where have you been!?", "What have you been doing!?" & "Why do people keep on comparing you to *insert fascist dictator here*!?".

The answers are simple, yet the destination isn't important (or so I've been told). The adventure itself is too long and tenuously set to supply you with the desired finished product. But, I will try my hardest to deliver. Having spent the weekend camping in the rain with four other negatively charged writers, I'm feeling somewhat inspired.

Here goes.

Last year, along with a small group of friends & associates, I set about planning the final stages of a project that had taken me nearly a decade to realise. The basic idea was to create a fair & independent career step for musical artists, away from the cabaret & function band markets. Truth be told, not a thing exists nor is likely to exist in my lifetime. As I see it, you can be a poor workless artist, full of integrity & passion. Or, you can be a tired-out pop-star with a long line of credit & a lot of sins to answer for.

I can hear the argument now; "But what about the underground music scene?". Well, unfortunately, having worked there a while I can tell you straight, it's called the underground for a reason. It's cramped and it's noisy. Unless you get on a mad hype with a strong network to boot, you're pissing in the wind.

Which brings me neatly back.

The one thing I have always lacked is the network. The impenetrable web of contacts & correspondents to link me up to the what's & when's. The final stages of planning were to create a network of contacts within our local area as well as creating a public face for promotion & profiteering. Simple, right?

Wrong.

Long story short, in true historical fashion, a separatist group emerged within the network. After only six months of meetings, I found myself being lined-up for exile or worse. So, some time around May, I sacked off the traitors & switched up the plan. Snatching the company branding as I dived onto my dozing steed. Or something like that...

My reputation is still very much in recovery.

Lesson learned.

In June I joined forces with the Poet Tree Alliance, helping them plan their own projects, all the while keeping an eye out for rebel forces. They invited me to help them with a festival in Runnymede which seemed like a great idea at the time. Little did I know I'd be spending three days guarding speakers from hippies while surrounded by armed police.

During the three days I met some incredible people who had been living entirely independently from society for almost five years. Minus a bit of skip diving of course. They had free, clean running water, electricity & even toilets (the compost kind). Most of all, they were extremely positive about the whole thing. You'd expect seeing four winters with nothing but a few bits of re-purposed wood to keep you warm would wind you up a bit. Apparently it didn't.

On the Saturday night, I took over the running of the main stage along with the PTA, seeing as the organisers had scampered away at the first sign of ravers. The timings were all over the place and the sound was atrocious but a good time was had by all. Especially the acts themselves who all appeared to have taken one thing or another. One such highlight was a comedy threesome, two of which were on LSD & the other on shrooms. How's that for dynamics?

On the Sunday, without a wink, we tore it all down. We packed it all up. We negotiated our release with the police and we were off. There was a weird feeling amongst the group when we said our goodbyes. Almost defeated. Almost.

When I first arrived in Runnymede I declared it "Heaven on Earth". At first its humanity is overwhelming & awesome. Its ability to exist & thrive in the way it does seems nothing short of a miracle. After a couple days of starting again I got the point and I saw the cracks. When the glaze wore off I realised that what I saw wasn't a miracle, it was an opportunity. The people of Runnymede have a long way to go and a hell of a challenge. To start the world again in the image of community & sharing is not a popular thought in the eyes of politicians but on the 800th anniversary of the Magna Carta, the law decreed Runnymede free to try. I'll be back again to visit soon. I'm hoping for a Waitrose BLT when I get there.

Even if it is only one day out-of-date.

Later in the month I headed out to Budapest, fleeting slightly to Bratislava somewhere in the middle. Taking in the sights & doing the done things was mostly on the agenda, aside from getting away from the nanny-state for a stint. We saw many things including one of the only Catholic churches to not have Jesus Christ at the alter (they'd opted for Saint Steven instead. Apparently they really like him there. Not that they don't like Jesus, he's all over the place. Its just that Steven is a really cool guy, you know?).

On top of the usual, we took a free walking tour of both towns, escaping our tour of Budapest because of rain & too many silly questions unanswered. We followed through with our tour of Bratislava and were treated to the location of a bar crawl later in the evening. After a quick bite to eat with a few other likely sorts we'd picked up a long the way, we argued bitterly about which direction the bar was in. I was so sure I was right. We drank, we danced & we somehow got back to our apartment in one piece.

By the time we got back to Budapest, I was adamant that I would play a gig while on the continent, having turned down a 2am slot at the local Irish pub a few nights before. Unfortunately, unless you're a huge La Roux fan, it's pretty hard to find the local music scene in Budapest. A bit like Milton Keynes. So, we opted for karaoke at a Janis Joplin themed pub instead, where I was coaxed into singing a song from The Little Mermaid OST.

On our last night we toyed with the idea of making our way out of town to an enormous cruise ship, converted into a plethora of nightclubs. After six hours of procrastinating and a quick visit to the famous baths, we made ourselves content that we wouldn't go. Instead, we headed deep into town to a place that people had been nagging us to see since we arrived. Not literally nagging but it helps with the story. So, after giving up on the cruise ship, we made our way to Szimpla.

In Hungary there's no pesky health & safety surrounding the laws on what you can do with a building. After World War Two, many of the constructs in Budapest were left to rot, only to be taken on by hostels & bars. If Szimpla was anything to go on, repairs & maintenance were low on the agenda. Unlike having a good time.

After a few drinks I happened upon a space in the vast cavernous venue with a stage. More than that, on the stage was a band. So, in I popped to have a listen. The band played out and everyone clapped and I found myself having a word with the singer. "Oh, no." he said. "It's not our gig. It's an open stage. Anyone can play!". "Right!" I said. "I'll do that."

Through some course of logistical drunkenness I stumbled onto the stage at Szimpla & did my best to entertain the crowd for a whole hour. We sang, we talked, we danced & fell over (a couple of times); the stage manager blocking my exit every time I made for the finale. He even threw me up for another one after I came back to collect my capo a couple of hours later, even more drunk. The band didn't seemed to mind or struggle too much to keep up with my astounding sense of rhythm. It was hilarious.

Other than that, I've been planning, painting & procrastinating as usual. Although I did differ from the norm & threw a Donald Trump(esque) beauty pageant at Properflop last week.

I think I might be losing my mind.

Have you seen it?

To Me. To You.

It seems to be, that all you see, is violence in movies & sex on TV... Where are those good old fashioned values, in which we used to rely...? Lucky there's a judgmental bastard like me to put you right!

The art of conversation is a simple and effective affair, shareable by all speaking mammals. In the beginning, our vocal chords were fine-tuned for delivering the exact information we wished to convey, such as; "Help, I'm being eaten!" or "Let's go hunting over there today...". As we've developed, so has our language and the way we use it. More so than ever we share what I like to call "non-vital information", otherwise explainable as "things we don't actually need to talk about". Here is a valuable list of conversational do's that I hope will help comfort you through these spontaneous bouts of chuntering.

1. A conversation is not a competition. DO remember to be open-minded and considerate of other people's perspectives. There is no way of "winning".
2. The information you're hearing could be just as important as the information you're sharing. DO remember to listen effectively and act accordingly. Assumptions make for a bad time.
3. The speed at which you process information is much slower than the speed at which you talk. DO remember to slow down to give your partner the optimum experience. Understanding is vital.
4. A conversation is served best at room temperature, face-to-face. DO remember that text messaging and phone calls are a cheap alternative to the real thing. Body language counts for over 70% of all conversational interpretation.
5. A conversation is a two-way street. DO remember to wait your turn. There's nothing worse than trampling on someone's point, even if you do think that what you have to say is more important.

Using these 5 simple rules will not only help you to become more adept at holding a conversation but will also make you a more enjoyable person to converse with. Be aware that not every person you come into contact with will have foreknowledge of these facts and may well require a small strike to the throat. Alternatively, send them here to learn what it is that's annoying you most. Sharing is caring...